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147 Pages<12345>»
Just for laughs...corner
Intelligentsia
#41 Posted : Thursday, January 21, 2010 8:35:24 AM
Rank: Elder


Joined: 10/1/2009
Posts: 2,430
Andika insha kuhusu UMUHIMU WA MAJI

HIVI NDIVYO KAMAU ALIANDIKA INSHA YAKE

Siku moja ng'ombe setu silikuwa simenyota sana.
Babangu aliniabia nisitware sikanywe maji.

Silipofika, silikuta gatangi ka mai kamegaragario.
Ng'ombe sikaanza kuania. Sikaania,sikaania, sikaania mpaka babangu akatoka rugongo akakuja kianda.

Akaniuliza "Kamau, kwanini ng'ombe sinaania hivyo?
Nikamwira ni gatangi kamegaragara.
Alinichapa sana na ndio nikajua umuhimu wa maji.
marex
#42 Posted : Thursday, January 21, 2010 8:48:34 AM
Rank: Member


Joined: 10/4/2007
Posts: 649
Jamaa wawili wana-argue, " hii ni moon. no! hii ni sun!" wa tatu anafika halafu wanamuuliza, "Hii ni moon ama ni sun? jamaa wa tatu anajibu " Mimi ni mgeni hapa so sijui!"
The way I am
Intelligentsia
#43 Posted : Thursday, January 21, 2010 1:47:44 PM
Rank: Elder


Joined: 10/1/2009
Posts: 2,430
HUNG CHOW: "Hey boss, I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work."

The boss says: "You know Hung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick, I go to my wife and tell her to give me some really good loving. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house.
Intelligentsia
#44 Posted : Monday, January 25, 2010 8:50:59 AM
Rank: Elder


Joined: 10/1/2009
Posts: 2,430
QUESTION: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
OBAMA: Because, YES IT CAN!
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: ... I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives being called into question.

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

OPRAH/ TYRA: Why does a chicken cross a road? Was it molested while still a chick? I mean, what kind of upbringing did it have? We need to invite the chicken to a share with us what happened>

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: This was an unprovoked act by the infidels and zionist forces, we will avenge with suicide bombers!!

GEORGE W. BUSH (2): The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

ALFRED MUTUA: The chicken did not cross the road. And it is not true it was running away from the Kwekwe squad! What squad? This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken! The government views these allegations seriously and will leave no stone unturned to establish the source of these rumors.

ANY KENYAN POLITICIAN: "Fron which tribe is the chicken? Our community has been marginalized for far too long – others have had their chance and it is now the turn of our chicken to eat!"

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

ISAAC NEWTON: Any chicken in the universe shall always cross a road perpendicularly to the side of the road, and in an infinitely long straight line at uniform speed, unless the chicken stops due to an unbalanced reactive force in the opposite direction of the chicken's motion

NELSON MANDELA: Never again, will the chicken be questioned for crossing the road. This is an ideal for which I am prepared to die.

ROBERT MUGABE: For all of these years the road has been owned by the white farmers, the poor underprivileged chicken has waited too long for that road to be given to him and now he is crossing it in force with his fellow war veteran chickens. We intend taking over this road and giving it to the roadless chickens so that they can cross it without fear of retribution from Britain who promised money to institute road reform. We will not stop until all roadless chickens have roads to cross and the freedom to cross them.

RAILA ODINGA: Both me and President Kibaki had been telephoned about the chicken. Si sisi iko na demokrasia na tunataka wacha kuku apite, sio? Si kuku tosha?!

EMILIO MWAI KIBAKI: Kuku ilivuka pale pale, ikienda huko huko........ na hilo ndio jambo la maana ....hakuna mambo ingine!...hakunaaaa.....na tutakataa namna gani ati kuku isivuke barabara ...hatuweziii ..na hao wanaendelea kuongea mambo ya kukuuu....ni wapumbavuuu... .....mavi ya hiyo kuku!!!

KAJWANG: Our immigration system at the border point was down when the chicken entered out territory.And (laughs)we don’t even know who invited it! But we will deport it! However, we have no funds for its deportation.

SAITOTI (waving a finger in the air): Let me tell you clearly: There comes a time when a chicken is far more important than an individual

JIMMI GATHU: Je, ilikuwa na mpaaaango wa kandooo?

PLO LUMUMBA: That an animal species of the poultry extraction was witnessed gallivanting, nay, actually sauntering contentedly across a motorway belies our preponderant propensity to keep on our wanton questioning of others' motives.
Phaoro
#45 Posted : Monday, January 25, 2010 6:00:26 PM
Rank: Member


Joined: 10/6/2009
Posts: 164
@ Intelligentsia

That was awesome Applause

{fanned}
leona
#46 Posted : Tuesday, January 26, 2010 1:23:04 PM
Rank: Elder


Joined: 8/1/2008
Posts: 1,429
Location: Marsabit
This is a real story of a young college girl who passed away last month in Kisumu. Her name was Atieno . She was hit by a truck.

She used to work at a fish stall. She had a boy friend named Odhis. Both of them were true ly in love. They always used to talk on the phone. You could never see her without her cell phone. In fact she changed her SIM card from Safcom to Zain, so both of them c ould be on the same network, and save on cost.

She used to spend half the day talking to Odhis. Atieno's family knew about their relationship. Odhis is still very close with Atieno's family. (just imagine their love) . Before she passed away she always told her friends. "If I pass away please burry me with my cellphone" she also said the same thing to her parents.

After her death, people couldnt carry her body, a lot of them tried to do so but still couldn' t. Every one had tried the result was still the same.They just could not lift her. Eventually, they called a person who knew one of their neighbours, who could speak with the souls of the dead.

He took a stick and started speaking to himself slowly. After a few minutes, he said "this girl misses something here." Then her friends told him about her intentions to be buried with her phone. He then opened the casket and place d her phone and sim card inside. After that they tried to carry the body... It could be moved and they carried it into the van easily.

All of us were shocked. Atieno's parents did not inform Odhis of her passing.

After 2 weeks Odhis called Atis's mom.....

...."Aunty, I'm coming home today. Cook something nice for me. Don't tell Atis that I'm coming home today, I wan t to surprise her." Her mother replied..... "You come home first, I need to tell you something very important."

After he came, they told him the truth. He thought they were playing a trick . He was laughing and said "don't try to fool me - tell Atis to come out, i have a gift for her. And please stop this nonsense".

Then they showed him the original death certificate. They gave him proof . ( Odhis started to sweat) He said... "Its not true. We spoke yesterday. She still calls me. Suddenly, Odhis 's phone rang.. "see this is from Atis, see this...." he showed the phone to the family. all of them told him to answer , he switched to speaker mode.

All of them heard his conversation. .....

Loud and clear, no cross lines, no humming.

It was the actual voice of Atis & there was no way others could use her sim card since it was nailed inside the casket . They were so shocked and asked for the person who could speak to soul of the dead.

He tried for 5 hours. Then he discovered one thing which really shocked them...



ZAIN has the best coverage.

Wherever you go, the network follows!!!



Don't be pissed at me I am also looking for the idiot who sent me this mail...Laughing out loudly
Nevermind what haters say, ignore them til they fade away - Just live your life
Intelligentsia
#47 Posted : Wednesday, January 27, 2010 10:51:29 AM
Rank: Elder


Joined: 10/1/2009
Posts: 2,430
can't resist a coupla mchongoanos!!!

-Computer yenu ni oldschool hadi anti-virus yake hutumia mawe
kudestroy viruses
- Wewe ni mjinga hadi driving school ulienda boarding, na bado uka
fail,
- kwenu nyinyi ni wezi kupindikia hadi Ali baba and the 40 thieves
walikam attacho kwenu,
- Wewe ni mkonda mpaka socks zako hufungwa na belt zisianguke!
- Kwenu ni kuchafu mpaka mende zenu huvaa slippers,
- Ati u r so short mpaka when u sit on the kerb your legs dangle
- Ati ndoto zako ni noma mpaka zi huanza... Previously on…
- Naskia kwenu mumeendelea hadi mko na teabags za uji
Pierce
#48 Posted : Wednesday, January 27, 2010 12:29:33 PM
Rank: Veteran


Joined: 3/16/2009
Posts: 1,464
Mchongoano

Ø Tv yenu ni ndogo hadi inaonyesha Catalina pekee.*

Ø Ati gari yenu ni old hadi ukigonga bumbs mnatoka nje kupanga viti

Ø wewe ni mweusi ukishika mtoi anadoz akidhani ni usiku.

Ø Wee ni mkonda hadi ukivaa nguo za green wasee wanadhani wee ni miwa

Ø Umezoea kutuma ma please call me hadi waizi wakikam una-dial *130*911#

Ø comp yenu ni mzee hadi ukicheza FIFA team moja huvua shati!!

Ø kwenu kuna wizi adi mnafungia gate kwa hao

Ø ati phone yako ni kubwa hadi ina chargiwa na transfomer

Ø wewe ni m-ugly mpaka ukikata onion,onion ndio inalia

Ø We ni mang'aa hata ulikataa kuzaliwa uchi

Ø Grandma wenu ni mzee hadi akioga badala atumie towel ye hujirinse

Ø Ati we ni mjinga hadi ulifail blood test

Ø We ni mjinga hadi ulinyimwa birth certificate

Ø Wee ni mzee hadi ukiweka noti ya moi kwa mfuko inatoka kaa amevaa vest

Ø Ati jogoo wenu ni mlazy,wa neighbor akiwika morning wenu anasema....SAME!!

Ø Ati jogoo wenu ni mnati sana hadi asubuhi instead of kuwika yeye hu-poke.

Ø ati uko na kichwa ndogo hadi maskio zako ni slide

Ø Wee ni mfupi hadi unafunga shoelaces ukisimama

Ø Wee ni m-bigi hadi ukimwagiwa maji trough moja only 1 drop falls 2 da ground

Ø Wee ni mrefu hadi ukila, food inafika tumboni ka ishaoza

Ø Kwenyu muko wengi mpaka paro wanawaita mafans

Ø nyanyako ni mzee mpaka aliona rainbow ikiwa black and white!

Ø First time yako kuingia cinema uliitisha remote.

Ø Simu yako ni mzee hadi phone book imetaruka

Ø Ati uko sura mbaya hadi ulipo kuwa mtoi ukakataa kula, masako alikuwa akikushow 'kula amanilete kioo...'

Ø Ati dogi yenu imeokoka hadi wezi wakikam kwenu inasema "iba tu lakini mungu anakuona"

Ø Umesota mpaka ukiweka bamba 50 kwa simu yako inavibrate siku mbili!

Ø Ati umezoea kuweka bamba 20 kwa simu ukiweka 100 ineanda kwa M-Pesa

Ø Ati mbuyu wako m-stupid , ulimshow akununulie text book ya mathafu ya form 2 akabuy mbili za form 1

Ø Kichwa yako ni bigi ulikatazwa kuingia FACEbook

Ø Ati phone yako ni ndogo hadi ukituma text inaenda na simu.

Ø Ati una kichwa soo , siku uta die coffin yako itakuwa na sape ya lollipop !!



Trump
#49 Posted : Wednesday, January 27, 2010 2:31:14 PM
Rank: Member


Joined: 10/19/2006
Posts: 66
ati manzi wako ni mkonda, ukilala na yeye anaacha space ya mpango wa kando.
Just do it!
Intelligentsia
#50 Posted : Thursday, January 28, 2010 3:28:43 PM
Rank: Elder


Joined: 10/1/2009
Posts: 2,430
XSTIAN MATH

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally, in a last-ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Christian school.
After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn’t even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise!, little Tommy got an “A” in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said:
“Son, what was it? Was it the teachers?” Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head,
”No”....
‘’Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHHAAAT WAS IT?!”
Little Tommy looked at her and said,
”Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around”
Djinn
#51 Posted : Thursday, January 28, 2010 4:20:56 PM
Rank: Elder


Joined: 11/13/2008
Posts: 1,565
What do you call a gay dinosaur?..

" Mega-saur-ass"!!

(With no apologies to fags)
anasazi
#52 Posted : Friday, January 29, 2010 7:21:45 AM
Rank: Veteran


Joined: 6/8/2007
Posts: 675
Manzi yako ni mkonda mpaka mkikutana na karao unaulizwa "kijana mbona unatembea na silaha!"
Form is temporary, class is permanent
Toxicity
#53 Posted : Friday, January 29, 2010 7:57:23 AM
Rank: Member


Joined: 1/15/2010
Posts: 457
THE DOG NAMED SEX

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."
update president set president = speaker where president is null
livie
#54 Posted : Friday, January 29, 2010 10:15:52 AM
Rank: Veteran


Joined: 11/1/2008
Posts: 820
weeeeeeeeee kwenda, miguu zako zote ni za left...
If you are going to be thinking only one thing, you might as well be thinking big. -Donald J . Trump
Intelligentsia
#55 Posted : Friday, January 29, 2010 12:34:11 PM
Rank: Elder


Joined: 10/1/2009
Posts: 2,430
PREACHER’S ASS

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.

To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The paper headline the next day read

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.

Pinket
#56 Posted : Friday, January 29, 2010 3:08:51 PM
Rank: New-farer


Joined: 1/19/2010
Posts: 33
Location: Nairobi
Hilarious Kenyan court room moments.

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?" (By Kibugi Muite)

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?" (Imanyara G.)

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"(Akoto & Advocates)

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"(Cheboiwo & Co)

6. "Did he kill you?"(Hayanga & Advocates)

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" (some lawyer from Kiambu)

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"(Oduk & Co advocates)

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?" (by Amos Wako)

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?" (Ochieng Ondeyo Advocates)

11. Q: "She had three children, right?" A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?" (Mugo Muriuki & Co.)

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?" (Kanyi Advocates)

13. Q: "Mr. Kimani, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
you?(Imende & Kiriko Advocates)
A: "I went to Europe , sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your lawyer?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
Q: "How old are you?"
A: "Oral"

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Mbogori was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"


A: "I have been since early childhood."
poundfoolish
#57 Posted : Friday, January 29, 2010 3:57:49 PM
Rank: Elder


Joined: 12/2/2009
Posts: 2,419
Location: Nairobi
young man drops a pick up line
Boy smile:"for you...I'll go to the ends of the
world!"
answer follows as swiftly
Girl Not talking :"Then i guess you dont mind staying
there just for me?"
poundfoolish
#58 Posted : Friday, January 29, 2010 4:08:39 PM
Rank: Elder


Joined: 12/2/2009
Posts: 2,419
Location: Nairobi
Heaven is....

Chineese food
German Car
American Salary and
An Indian wife

Hell is...

Chineese car
German food
American wife and
an Indian Salary
Pinket
#59 Posted : Monday, February 01, 2010 7:51:32 AM
Rank: New-farer


Joined: 1/19/2010
Posts: 33
Location: Nairobi
anasazi wrote:
Manzi yako ni mkonda mpaka mkikutana na karao unaulizwa "kijana mbona unatembea na silaha!"


..Ti hi hi hi...nice one
Pinket
#60 Posted : Monday, February 01, 2010 7:54:47 AM
Rank: New-farer


Joined: 1/19/2010
Posts: 33
Location: Nairobi
marex wrote:
Drool Pastor Muiru went out of his house and immediately the lights went off. Suddenly, a monkey jumped from a nearby tree charging towrds him. the pastor dashed back inside shouting "Kuna NUGU gizaaaani"




Lolest....good one!
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